Best Self on Forgeover

All Is Well

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 09:20:42 +0000

I’m tucked into the corner of the settee, wedged in with seven pillows so I don’t move and I don’t have to support my own body. The bucket is next to me but I’ve taken my seasick pill and I hope to sleep instead of vomit. The dorade vent that goes under water only drains on the outboard side of the box, so instead, when it fills, water pours on my right shoulder. Some of it makes it into the bucket so I feel pretty clever, but I still don’t want to move much so the pillows and the settee and my down vest get wetter and wetter.

Days to Remember

Fri, 01 Jul 2016 08:10:43 +0000

A few days ago I was told that my dorades were dusty. The next day another person mentioned how dirty my decks were. And yet another person asked me why I had so much crap in my cockpit. All of these criticisms hit me deeply and personally and brought back every single boat insult ever slung my way. I emotionally fled to a perfectly polished tiny cottage where I could live alone in shiny silence with a hand blown glass vase full of pink peonies on the table and not a single crumb on the floor.

Jump for Joy

Wed, 04 May 2016 09:36:04 +0000

We have an odd tradition on Convivia. I would like to believe that it was modeled after a trait I picked up in my wilderness canoeing days, but really , it is probably more just good fortune. We tend to set a day for departure, work our butts off to make that schedule, and then we realize that we have no real imperative to leave. So we postpone a day. This day, is a special kind of day because unlike other chilled out days, we really didn’t expect it (even after many many iterations). So we end up swimming around the boat (because Fatty is often either on deck or hipped and ready) eating popcorn, and generally being a family of extreme leisure. This photo pretty well captures that spirit.

Panen Raya (Harvest Time)

Thu, 28 Apr 2016 08:55:48 +0000

Back when I was a dirt dweller, I used to buy coffee beans from this little warehouse in Oakland. The company, Sweet Maria’s, was owned and operated by a guy who personally flew around the world, visiting plantations, sampling coffee beans at the source, and then buying small batches from the best of them. I have wanted his job ever since.

When I imagined this sailing adventure, I pictured myself, sailing through the world’s finest coffee growing regions, making dozens (if not hundreds) of forays into the mountains to restock my ever dwindling supplies of green beans. As the journey wore on, it became apparent to me that this dream was (perhaps) a bit unrealistic. The resources and local knowledge needed to find and visit the farms change with every locale, and the time and money needed to make the trips is not insignificant on our modest budget.

Passage Gratitude

Sun, 25 Oct 2015 03:19:47 +0000

I don’t know what exactly it is about passagemaking that brings out these feelings but it’s so common as to be a phenomenon. Despite the sleep deprivation, and subtle (and sometimes acute) hardships of crossing hundreds of miles of ocean. Despite being cramped in a small, often roughly rolling vessel with two lovely but demanding children, I often find a moment, or a long string of moments where I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude for my great good fortune that it feels transcendent.

Dad Moments

Fri, 07 Aug 2015 20:56:13 +0000

Parenting is *hard.*I still find myself waking up at night to tend to bad dreams, or bug bites, and there’s the constant sibling squabbles, and, with us, homeschooling battles. That’s not to mention the challenges of ushering our kids through their self-identification. I have noticed, several times over the busy few years past, that I haven’t really been focusing on those moments that make parenting awesome.

On Lizard Island, we got our first real break of this leg of passage making. We snorkeled, and hiked and spent time together having fun. It really frustrated me that Olive wouldn’t get in the water. We know she can swim, and she is excited about her new wetsuit and mask, but she just wouldn’t take the plunge. Then one afternoon, after getting really upset about it, she and I were playing in the shallows and I started acting like godzilla, stomping and grunting, and she pretended to fight me. After a little of this horsing around, I asked her if she would like me to teach her something. She agreed, and we got her mask. I showed her how to clear her snorkel and how to put it on underwater. She was really good, and I let her know. She was visibly proud, and something changed in her. We spent the next hour or two snorkeling in the shallows and now she asks constantly when we will get another chance.

Olive Turns 7: A Parenting Win

Sat, 11 Oct 2014 04:18:14 +0000

It’s not an unfamiliar scene on Convivia. It’s the night before a present giving event, and Vick and I are wondering if we should run out and get one or two more things. “We have Ruby’s presents (the most substantial expenditures this year at $24), and my 6” handmade felt pterodactyl, and… that’s it."

Our cultural programming was going haywire. I pretty much assume that a birthday or christmas is going to run ~$300/kid when it’s all said and done. Was this going to be the worst birthday ever?

Best Day Ever

Sun, 22 Jun 2014 01:19:06 +0000

I have a hard time assigning superlatives. I tend to experience life in an abstract way that doesn’t depend heavily on specific, quantifiable metrics. So when I say that this was the best day ever, take that with a grain of salt. There were other best days. They might have been better, who knows. Not me :)

Today started slowly, in the usual ways. After coffee and breakfast I headed up to the cockpit to knock a quick tiller repair project off the list. With that success behind me I focused on the horizon.

The Sailing Me

Fri, 18 Apr 2014 10:44:22 +0000

“I wish everyone who knew me could know the sailing me!”

I posted this on Facebook today. It was one of those thoughts that popped into my head ready to publish, and didn’t require a lot of fact checking. As the day passed though, I found myself coming back to that thought. What makes the sailing me noteworthy, why do I prefer it to the geeky me, or the business me, or the city slicker me?

Slut Shaming — From a Man's Perspective

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 03:47:19 +0000

I’ve been noticing a lot of articles, podcasts, tweets, and other coverage lately about slut shaming and rape culture. Maybe it’s that I have decidedly feminist sexual politics and my friends and news feeds tend to reflect and amplify those topics, or maybe (I can hope) it’s because our society is starting to realize that feminism and (more basically) respecting women is an issue that men have a serious stake in.

When I hear on the news that people are sympathising with rapists who’s “futures have been ruined”, I assume that the part of the population that thinks that way must be incredibly small, uneducated and dim witted. When I read the dozens of brave letters from women (some in their middle years, some in high school) who have been sexually bullied, slut shamed, and raped I would love to believe that they represented 100% of the population that has been saddled with such a burden.

Low Lattitudes High Levels of Awesomeness

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 12:22:00 +0000

I just had one of those rare pure moments of perfect bliss. It happened when I went forward to let out the boom vang. After letting it go I paused for a moment to look around (something we do almost constantly out here). Something about the familiar vista caught my attention and I went forward to the bow to figure out what it was. As my hand grasped the forestay I time-warped back to my childhood. In that moment I was standing on the bow of our Luders staring down Muscongus Sound. Ahead of me (it seemed then) was the whole world and my life, just waited to be experienced.

Boys Don't Cry

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 23:02:36 +0000

They came—finally—on the approach to the Bay Bridge. The saline evidence of a soul deep sadness that I have suppressed and longed for all week. This has been a week of goodbyes. A week of goodbyes, following another week of goodbyes on the East Coast.

As my colleague and compadre of 12 years bade me an emotional goodbye on Friday, I felt my tears well up and then, mysteriously, they were squelched. I felt robbed. This week has been filled with replayings of that vignette; with a friend I’ve known almost as long as I’ve lived in California, to those who’s child I’ve seen birthed. Each time the tragedy of having to move away from these relationships that we have nurtured in order to pursue a life long dream, filled me to bursting. And yet, tears eluded me.

Shine Bright!

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 22:46:49 +0000

New parents, new lovers, newly converted, people discovering a great new ashram, sport, hobby, or any other infatuation. We all share a common stigma. Most people want us to just shut up already. There is something about falling in love that puts a shine so bright on us that makes some people just want to turn us off.

What kind of trips me out about this phenomenon is that it is socially accepted that shining too brightly is annoying (at best). Like new parents who just can’t stop talking about their beautiful perfect babies are somehow rubbing the rest of our noses in it. I was that guy (okay, I’m always that guy). I couldn’t stop talking about my kids. Even now, I have to remind myself mid-emote, that the general contractor of our new headquarters really doesn’t care, he was just being polite.

Backpacking with Ruby

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 22:09:46 +0000

Way back in 2009 I promised Ruby that I would take her backpacking. She had forgotten for a while and I will admit that in the flurry of buying our dreamboat, selling all of our stuff, and moving aboard, I was happy for the furlough. Recently the topic came up again. First it was just “Daddy, do you remember that camping trip we were supposed to go on?” Before too long it turned into crying tantrums with doozies such as “You promised me you would take me hiking when I was just TWO (or three) and you’re never going to do it.” With our family adventure deadline looming, I feared she might be right.

The Relationship Paradox

Thu, 23 Dec 2010 20:18:01 +0000

Amanda (of Britannia) came over last night and we got on the topic of love. Specifically “True Love” and “Soul Mates.” I have a complicated opinion on the topic of soul mates that provided good fodder for our conversation. Too soon we noticed it was midnight and had to say goodnight to our friend. As we were falling asleep I wondered aloud*:

I’m not sure how to reconcile the seemingly antithetical views I have on what makes a relationship work. On the one hand I believe that an awesome relationship demands that both partners periodically choose to remain in the relationship. On the other hand I know that it is essential to believe, with the completeness of your being, that your love is immutable. The latter, I believe, amounts to a sacred commitment to the relationship (spoken or not).

Perfection vs. Done

Tue, 21 Dec 2010 07:27:59 +0000

They say that “Perfection is the Enemy of Done.” I guess I am my own worst enemy. When it comes to espresso, margaritas, and love I will not accept failure, half measure or even a half stop below perfection. I have spent years on my espresso; working and saving to buy better equipment; laboring over each shot; reading and learning wherever I could. Likewise I have spent my whole life in pursuit of love, and then in its betterment and refinement. I can be nigh obsessive about some topics.

No Better Life Than This One: Choosing Joy

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 22:21:39 +0000

Today sucked royally. I started the day saddled with the dread of a project (replacing the hot water heater) that I just knew was going to go badly. This project was going to go badly because:

I couldn’t get to all of the fittings to measure what size they were and therefore didn’t know for sure what to buy to replace them.
The old water heater may have or may not have fit out through the available hole… Oh no. It didn’t.
The beginning of the project involved cutting the safety net (all of the hoses, strapping, and electrical) thereby completely committing me to raving success or miserable failure.
The space that I had to work in was miserably small, virtually guarantying several minor concussions, gashes, and bruises (check, check, and check)
The very best that I had hoped for was to get enough done that I could safely turn on the pressure water in the evening (cold only) to do the dishes from the margaritas.

So after a grumpy breakfast, and a grumpy trip to the chandlery and the hardware store, I grumpily made by way back down the dock with not quite enough parts to complete the project, and a pretty bad attitude. I was short tempered all morning, and when I finally remeasured the new hot water heater and found that it was something like 10" too tall for the space it was going into, I was pretty certain that I was going to go stratospheric. When I then remeasured the old heater and found that there was no possible way to get it out without removing the countertop, I thought I would cry.

No Better Life Than This One: Reevaluating My Primary Relationship

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 16:51:35 +0000

Can critically evaluating your relationship lead to a happier healthier self while simultaneously improving the relationship?

A Working Vacation

Sun, 09 May 2010 22:03:33 +0000

This is the first chance I’ve had to sit down at my computer in six days. When in the last 15 years have I been able to say that?

This vacation was certainly unique. Since it was a last minute (we decided at lunch two days before departing) decision, the expectations were low. Regardless, none of us were prepared for the highs and lows of this last week.

On the high side:

QUIET FEET: Harmony Restored

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 21:13:35 +0000

Yesterday we woke up before 5am for the 14th consecutive day. Our parenting style dictates that we just roll with this, as unnatural and seemingly untenable as it is. Vick and I believe that its our responsibility to call it a night so that we can rise with the kids (see my earlier article for more on this). So we’ve been dutifully rising and shining at 4-5am and using lattes to get us through the week.

Catalina: Avalon to Catalina Harbor

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 21:51:07 +0000

My face and belly are radiating that kind of inside out warmth that comes from a day of doing all ones favorite things. I don’t mean to lead my readers to believe that today was easy. The children were on again off again unmanageable and Victoria was regularly overwrought by her prognostication that, due to said children, and an unfortunately poor choice of words on my part the night before, she didn’t know if “this was going to work.” (She was of course referring to the Big Trip.) Normally when my family is assaulted by this severe a maelstrom I am emotionally and pragmatically debilitated for the duration. The whole of my attention is consumed trying to determine what I am going to do about it.

Ruby's 9th Kyu Test

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 10:36:51 +0000

Errata: I initially labeled this “Ruby’s 8th Kyu Test”, having counted backwards from 10. I forgot that she was a AikiExplorer before she was 10th Kyu. So when you see the movie title, you’ll know which to believe.

Competition and the Ride Home

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 20:08:57 +0000

I have never considered myself to be a competitive person. Perhaps at one point I wasn’t, or perhaps I’ve just been deluding myself all this time. The first indisputable proof that I am indeed a competitive person came when I started riding my bike to work on a regular basis*. I noticed after only a few weeks that I just could not tolerate being passed, and had an unquenchable thirst to pass others.

East Coast Family Vacation 2009

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 12:33:41 +0000

We just returned from a truly wonderful vacation. I took the family back East (Boston, Portland, Round Pond) for almost the whole month of August. We saw most of our family, got to welcome baby Jacob into the world, and many of our oldest friends.

It was a true vacation in every sense. The children both came into their own. Ruby, discovering her roll in our family (nuclear and extended), found her inner sweetness (best self) and showed an unexpected degree of maturity, self reliance, and empathy. This was best expressed when she was shepherding her sister around, pointing out dangers, explaining tricks and relationships, and helping her get her needs met.

I Am A Radiant Being

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 22:16:09 +0000

Okay, I’m going to come right out and say this cheesy thing that sometimes runs through my mind. I am a radiant being. This is not to say that I am radiant and some other people are dull. I suspect that we are all radiant. In any case, that’s not the point of this post. This is the point. I want to believe that what I do for money is just one aspect of who I am, and what makes me valuable in this life.

Admitting Failure

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 10:10:29 +0000

I put this Title in my drafts folder on June 12th. Its been sitting there taunting me ever since. Then on Wednesday I attended a session at OSCON titled “Programmer Insecurity & The Genius Myth”. Ben Collins-Sussman and Brian Fitzpatrick talked to us about how our fear of looking like an idiot or not being taken seriously, or hubris, prevents us from admitting failure.

The following are my thoughts on this topic, which have recently been influenced and enhanced by Ben and Brian.

Being Your Best Self

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 22:24:22 +0000

I’m a crunchy, touchy feelie, hippie parent. As such its often hard to come up with just the right words to tell your kid that biting her mom and laughing about it makes you wildly, furiously, and deeply unhappy. As a hippie, touchy feelie, AP, parent you are not, for example supposed to say “Do that again and you’re out of the family.” Nor is it encouraged to shout “Are you insane?” It’s just not the thing. Conversely the suggested mantras “Biting is not okay” and “We don’t bite sweetie,” just don’t really satisfy the deep, furious, wild feelings that are floating around the house at such moments.

Making the World More Beautiful

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 10:48:10 +0000

I spend a lot of time thinking about how I’m going to leave this world better than I found it. This is a bugaboo of a thing to spend any time worrying about because the scope is grossly un-bracketed. I could satisfy my sense of social responsibility by creating an organization that brings food or educational resources to third world countries, or by raising two fantastic children who carry forward the same desire to do good.